Why?

I've never thought I could feel this much pain in my life, again. Not even the first time when I've experienced something like this that made me want to curl up into a ball and thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore crossed my mind. But this time, this time is very different. Its much worse. I guess because he's made me feel worse then any of the others.

I mean I've felt something like this before where I could feel a numbing feeling run down my arm whenever my heart hurt because I was feeling hurt. But other than that I never thought that this feeling would come around again. I never thought that YOU of all people in my life could cause me this pain.

I'll openly and honestly will admit that the things that I've done and do to you are extremly fucked up and I guess that this is my "karma (which I still think is bullshit)" for doing all of these things to you. But when your purposely trying to cause me this pain it hurts a million times more. You knowing the things that your doing to me and you wanting to do every single thing knowing you'd hurt me INTENTIONALLY is something I DON'T deserve! No matter what I've done to you, the way you've been treating me is something I shouldn't nor anyone else should feel or hear.

I didn't know how bad my relationship has gotten. I've always thought that we're good great. But now, with eyes wide open? I can finally see that were not. I can finally see the person you really are. I've been fooled and it hurts like fucking hell! But for me at least I've always shown my true colors, since day one YOU KNEW PERFECTLY THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT I AM. You knew who I was and where I was coming from. You knew my life story, you knew the things I've dealt with daily and you truly knew me for who I was because I've NEVER acted or put up a front with you. I've let my true being, my true self show in-front of you because I knew that I love'd you enough to do that and you took advantage of that. You took advantage of my love. I know how much I love you. I KNOW what love is, but you on the other hand, I don't think you've found it yet. Your telling your self maybe forcing yourself to believe that you love me. But your actions everything that you've done for me has told me otherwise.

After almost 3 years it took me to figure out that maybe your not right for me. That I actually don't know who you are. I don't know you anymore or maybe I've never did actually known who you really are. But if the person and the things you say/are now is the true you, I don't know you and if this is the person that you've been the whole time I guess I've NEVER known you. Its funny how someone can still seem like a stranger to you even after knowing them for so long. Thing is sometimes, if you truly think about it maybe that person has always been a stranger to you because they've been putting up a mask or you've been placing that mask on the person. Reason why after a hard break up you eventually become strangers to one another is because just maybe you've always been strangers to begin with.

Honestly I don't really care what everyone will think about our relationship. I'm not putting him on blast and trying to point out all of his flaws on purpose, Its just that it bothers me a lot and its gotten to a point where I can't turn back anymore and just get over the pain thats been building up over time.

Because you can't even listen to me anymore:

I've brought up a lot of things to you about our relationship and many times I've tried to talk to you about whats going wrong with us. Why its been heading downwards. But yet you've pushed away & your blaming ME for it all! Its not just even somethings that your saying its EVERYTHING. Even I don't do that because I know that I am wrong and I have done things that

Your mad at me for many reasons because you've built up all thing anger inside from not talking to be about it. But you really mad at me for finally getting my sh*t together (out of all things?) - saying that I'm making myself seem better than you? Your mad at me for FINALLY getting a job? When you use to constantly tell me to get off my ass and get a job. Sure its not a real job because I'm just temporary but at least I'm doing something, at least I'm trying. At least I got off my ass and I'm getting paid. Isn't it s job if your getting paid. If your working under others, no matter the circumstances or how long it is for, isn't it still considered a job? Last time I checked, it was. Plus the reasons why I even want to work sometimes is for you! You and my mom! I wanted to treat you with everything that you've done for me, everything you've bought me and spoiled me with I wanted to do the same for you. I am never a selfish person when it comes to money and you know for a fact that its true. I love to spoil you when I get the chance whenever I get money it goes for you. But you have to put me down telling me that its not a real job and I should still stop being lazy and get a job. Fuck can't you just allow me to take baby steps and actually find a job that I'm in love with & I can't believe the way your putting me down. I'm already crying my eyes out to you but your still telling me such negative shit to make me feel even lower about myself. Even when I'm bluntly asking for you to notice what your doing, if when I directly state what I'm feeling and how the things that your saying is hurting me you still do it. I even tell you how your putting me down is hurting me but you still didn't stop you continued to talk down on me. You said that I'm making myself seem better than you because I have a job now and you don't. But think about the way you've been making me feel about not having a job, every single time you've told me to go out and look for one. Why I'm not going anything with my life and you still can't put yourself in my shoes for once?